Monday, November 28, 2011


Ok ive caved. I cant bear it anymore, i have to tell somebody! Though this doesnt really count as 'somebody' per se and i cant be arsed to punctuate properly, but god. No ones supposed to know this anyway omg. But anyway. I kinda read my moms email. Which sounds pretty bad, it is, but then she never logs out of her email anyway. I didnt Really /intend/ to. I just wanted to check some emails jess sent me, and it happened to be that stuff i email directly from the ipad goes into my moms mail! So i checked it. Then i saw.

It was the photos from my well you could call him uncles engagement thing. My mom never bothered showing me anything! Im not really sure why, like everyones sort of treading carefully around this wedding stuff, not getting too excited about it yet im so excited i was like virtually screaming when i first heard. I dont know why. I just love weddings that have something to do with family and close friends and generally people i know. I really really dislike going to strangers weddings because usually id be bored out of my mind. But this is something else. Ive been wanting him to just go ahead and do it for years! And finally its happened! And the best thing is i can help! With the designs and stuff!!!

Except thats what i thought. In reality im pretty much in the dark about most things, and i feel this odd awkwardness when i ask my mom about it so i generally just refrain. And shes confused about why im so excited. But the question to her is why isnt /she/ excited? Isnt she happy for her cousin, the one who keeps calling her his 'favourite'?! Goodness.

Instead if being involved in anything, ie going to my grandmas and pitching ideas, im stuck at home studying all day. Like literally all. Day. I have only until thursday left but ive missed out on so many of the goings on already. And i feel so desperately left out so thats why i ended up stalking the 2nd email, which was the official wedding to do list. Ugh that was the total /jackpot/. Everything was in there. I was a bit miffed at not Seeing my name in it at all, considering i may be the most excited of them all. Well then. Well i suppose its hardly their fault, im in the middle of the most important exam ever, so fair enough.

Wont stop me from being annoyed though. Thursday, please, PLEASE come faster.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Сжаты руки под темной вуалью...
"Отчего ты сегодня бледна?"
- Оттого, что я терпкой печалью
Напоила его допьяна.

Today is a very sad kind of day. I'm not really sure why.

Okay yes it's probably the accumulation of things past, but then what else? I know there's something else. I don't know what. Misery is catching. Lynn's depressed. So am I. Honestly when Lynn is depressed, it's like the world isn't worth living. Same with Evo. It's like... I don't know, nobody feels miserable alone. Or maybe we depress each other. I don't know.

Maybe that's why I feel an extra urge to just have a 10 minute break from life, which I know is impossible because when you die after getting hit my a cement truck/poisoning yourself with Jetstream ink you sure as hell can't come back here. So yeah. Wish wash. Crap.

For some reason today, instead of being stupidly suicidal, I picked the next best thing. I googled Anastasia, the last Russian tsar's youngest kid. From what I've collected just now (and what Nani told me this morning), let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, Russia still had a royal family. But, with most of Russia being so poor, and all the royals so rich, the poor Russians were pretty mad. So they wanted them out. And what with communism and all, the Russians got their wish. The communists (I think) got the royal family under house arrest, and one morning, ordered them to the basement and shot them all dead.

That is why Russia no longer has a monarchy.

It's quite sad, because all the kids died too. Anastasia was a really naughty kind of kid, but she seemed cute. There were rumours that Anastasia had escaped, but they were quashed 2 years ago by some scientist guy who proved (using modern DNA technology) that she really did die. So Russia still doesn't have any royalty. Sorry Russians.

Well the entire research made me feel worse, and prompted me to draw some Russia related stuff in the book Sarah and Shman got me. It also got me reading Russian poetry, which is honestly some pretty depressing shit.
It's nice though.

Monday, February 28, 2011

It's just so hard.

There are times when it literally gets difficult to breathe when the memory suddenly decides to haunt me. I try to get it to leave but it won't budge, and it plays in my head to the soundtrack of Hello Goodbye, which is a tune that also refuses to go away. It makes for pretty sickening mental viewing.

And I watch the horror unfolding but I can't blank it out because it's seared into my brain. At the horrible, inevitable end, I feel completely miserable. But then after a while comes a flash of anger. Then more anguish. And then that overwhelming feeling of wanting to be there to give them hugs and telling them it's alright, but then the anger creeps back again and all I want to do is punch them in the face.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Oh my god listening to Green Day always makes me feel so badass omg gfdssafghjhgfdsfgh i'm gonna go blow up something bye

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's been a while. Sorry.

I don't know why, but I've been getting major nosebleeds recently. It's either the weather's too hot, I'm too weak or I'm just way too pugged up. It happens after school. I end up looking like I'd been in a fight or something.

So I'd lie down on the cold floor and look up at the fan. And think.
I haven't been doing a lot of that recently either.

Lot's of things have changed.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Squealing in a very fangirlish manner

Hee I just watched like 5 episodes of The Cesc Fabregas Show back to back. He's just so adorable and so classy and eek! Not a fan of the Spanish accent though (heheh) but he looks so adorable and he's always so serious when he answers questions and his expression while playing a game on the Xbox was so cute! You could just kill him he's that adowably adowable.


Well what'd you know, I'm actually spazzing about someone who plays Xbox! But seriously it's just so incredibly cute! I'm sorry my vocab to describe him is incredibly limited but honestly he is just adorableness personified.

The funny part is that he was playing his own team, I think the game was FIFA 08 (if that even existed). But Arsenal isn't called Arsenal, it's called North London FC. Yeah it's a bit annoying but you'll just have to make do. It's funny when you see the players playing themselves in their own team in a video game. I'd expect him to jump up and squeal hysterical-like, "¡OH MI DÉU, OH MY GOD IT'S ME" every time the ball comes to his game self but I suppose he's too professional for that. Man.

It's just funny. Don't they ever comment on how horrible their game selves look like? And don't they ever try asking someone to go and fix the North London FC name situation?


(PS It's really easy to forget his cruel transfer saga after watching these)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Another goal. 5-nil. I can't believe this. Wow.

Hee hee what an awesome weekend.

But the problem with awesome weekends is that you don't want them to end. I really don't want to go to school. I can't face it. That testosterone filled, dopamine addled, hormonal hothouse.

I can't even...



It was a lovely lovely weekend of football. First of all, my bbs were running riot on the Emirates pitch. 6-0! I'm so incredibly proud of them, especially Theo! You show Capello who'z da man!


CONTINUED I thought Rosicky was pretty good too! But one of my favourite goals was Walcott's second, I absolutely loved how he spun around controlling that ball so lovelyly and then sticking it in between the posts. And then there was Diaby's volley. Beautiful. Aaaaah. This is why I love football. Squee!

I squeed some more when Cesc and VP came out. Of course. They are my faaaaavourite players. (Though VP more so) I somehow knew that them coming on would somewhat slow the game down a bit and I was right. They are rusty -.-

Now I'm watching a really fascinating match, Newcastle vs Aston Villa. Freaking incredible. The Villains are getting killed by the Toon. Oh god I really am a footballhead now aren't I. I read too much FFT.

They're now four-nil up with a free kick on the edge of the box. I wonder...
Ah. He missed. Oh well. Still an awesome match though I'm not really concentrating on it much since I'm typing. Oh well again.

I love weekends too much, I love waking up any time I want and eating my breakfast slowly and reading the newspaper and watching ESPNEWS and contemplating what useful things to do. I freakin' love. I can't wait for next weekend.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It's our jobs

My thumb and finger is raw. Effingly. Raw from twisting out the metal thingies jutting out from tins, you know - the thing you use to crack it open? I don't know what it's called. All I know is I wish tins never came with it.

And I also wish Ustaz would split some of the money he gets from selling hundreds of kgs of tins with us. But as if that'll happen.

We went through a lot of bags. Before we could finish a pile someone would come along and pour out another bag of tins. And another. And another. Tin tsunami. Squashed tins. Clean tins. Tins full of cockroaches. Baby cockroaches, brown sickening eggs, cocoons of god knows what animal, and a poo coloured cicak. Basically, gross things, things we shouldn't be touching or even seeing.

But we're Ustaz's slaves and we do it because "Apa yang saya suruh kamu buat, kamu buat."
Fine. Saya buat.